Random Interview
by Blue Zombie
Summary: Just a random interview with Craig, post cocaine use.
1. Chapter 1

_What was the worst thing?_

The worst thing? That's a little vague, isn't it? I guess, really, when my mom died. That was worst. I just felt so…lonely. Like things would never be okay again. That was the worst.

_How do you feel about your father?_

My father father…Albert? Or Joey?

_Albert._

Um, I don't know. Angry, I guess. Yeah, I'm still angry. I know I shouldn't be, I know I loved him…but I guess I just haven't forgiven him for anything.

_How do you feel about Joey?_

Kind of guilty. I love Joey, I do, but I feel guilty for all the shit I put him through.

_What did you put him through?_

Oh man. A lot. (laughs) First I ran away from my father, from Albert, and I tried to kill myself by getting hit by a train. Joey came and found me in the cemetery, I was, uh, saying goodbye to my mother. I was out of there. My dad, I mean, I'd had it at that point. Had it. He hit me all the time. So I was going to go to British Columbia and take Angela with me, but Joey came to the park before I could take her. Anyway, he came to the cemetery and sort of got it out of me that my dad was, you know, abusive. So I move in with him and I stole one of his cars from the car lot, and I ran away like two or three times, and I beat him up this one time after I stole his credit card and trashed a hotel room that I paid for with his credit card. That was when I was hospitalized for the bipolar. I skipped school a bunch of times, and one time I went to Schofield and missed the last train back and Joey had to come and pick me up.

_You tried to kill yourself?_

Yeah.

_So you were suicidal?_

Yeah.

_Why exactly did you want to kill yourself?_

I don't know. It was, I felt like I had no options. I, my dad wouldn't let me see Joey or Angela or even do anything, I had to be home early all the time, and he had all these rules…and he kept, he would…he'd hit me all the time. I was scared of him all the time, just scared all the time. Scared and angry and I missed my mother and he never even let me talk about her. I mean, I know she left him, I know. But she was my mother. So I was gonna just run away, but…then that train was coming and it seemed so easy to just stand in front of it.

_What are you proud of?_

Proud of? I don't know. My music, I guess.

_Why?_

Well, when I'm writing a song or playing one, sometimes I feel sort of…taken out of myself. Transcended. It's like, sometimes, I feel whole when I'm doing that.

_What person have you hurt the most?_

That's a loaded question. It's a tie between Joey and Manny.

_How did you feel when your father hit you?_

Uh…worthless.

_Did you ever think Joey was going to hit you?_

No. Not consciously. But I was sort of afraid he would since he was a father figure type thing.

_When you beat up Joey do you think you were subconsciously trying to hit your father?_

(Laughs) Yeah, probably. I was fucked up. I felt awful about that.

_How do you feel about being bipolar?_

Like I'm crazy. Like people think I'm crazy. Like I'm broken.

_Is the fact that you are bipolar a contributing factor to your illegal drug use?_

I don't know. Maybe. Probably. It might be all a part of it.

_What was it like being hospitalized for a mental illness?_

Uh, scary. I felt so out of control. Like my mind had sort of turned on me. My thoughts would go so fast, and I'd want to write everything down, and there were all these fantastic ideas. It was complicated.

_How did you feel when you found out that a former classmate of yours, J.T. Yorke, had been killed?_

Oh, J.T., yeah. That was awful, I mean, a real tragic thing. I didn't really know him that well, but I felt bad when I heard that.

_How long did your father abuse you?_

How long? Uh, I don't know. Four years I guess.

_What was the worst thing he did to you?_

It wasn't like any one worst thing. It was all of it. Getting screamed at, getting put down, getting hit, getting strapped, getting kicked. It all added up. But the one worst thing he did? The fact that he made me feel like shit all the time, like I didn't have a right to be myself. I was too busy worrying about him and his fucking mood and his reactions and following all of his rules. That was the worst thing.

_What was the worst thing Joey did to you?_

Joey? Um, I don't know. Joey didn't do anything bad to me.

_How did you feel when you found out your former friend and classmate, Sean Cameron, had been arrested for having drugs at the school?_

That was too bad. Sean's a good kid. He's cool, and he's…he's someone who will save you.


	2. Chapter 2

_When you came back to Toronto for the music shows you didn't talk to Ashley. Why?_

No, I didn't. I don't know. I guess there just wasn't that much to say.

_Are you angry with her?_

No. No, I try not to be. I was just hurt when she went to England, when she didn't want me to come with her. But it's her thing. I mean, she came back to Degrassi, she's with Jimmy and everything, and I really just wish her the best.

_Do you still love her?_

Yeah.

_Regarding the bipolar, have you had any other manic episodes since leaving Toronto?_

Yeah, sort of. I guess. But it was all mixed up with touring all the time and staying up late and using coke so it was hard to tell.

_Were you taking your medication?_

Yeah, for awhile.

_How did Joey react to the news that you were having problems with cocaine use?_

Uh, the way he usually reacts to things I've fucked up. He gets real worried and real concerned but he also gets this attitude like we can fix it. Like shit can get better.

_If your father Albert was still alive would you have a relationship with him?_

I don't know. Maybe. It's hard to say what would have happened.

_What is your biggest regret?_

Oh God, I don't know. One thing? Manny getting the abortion.

_How old were you when your father first beat you?_

Ten.

_What did you do to warrant such punishment?_

The same thing I always did. I made my dad angry. I screwed up.

_But what specific thing did you do?_

I can't remember. I can't remember a lot of shit from that…from that time.

_Were you ever hospitalized due to the beatings?_

No. My dad was a doctor, he was a surgeon. It wasn't really, I don't think it was ever that bad but I don't remember. If I was hurt that bad he could take care of me.

_What was the worst thing about rehab?_

The boredom.

_How did it make you feel when Marco kissed you?_

I felt…surprised.

_Who was the first person you had sex with?_

Manny.

_Did you love Manny?_

Yeah, I loved her.

_Have you ever hit a girl?_

No.

_Would you ever hit a girl?_

I hope not.

_Why did you stop taking pictures?_

I'm not sure. It's kind of like pictures were a way for me to make the world seem like how I wanted it to be. I could take these perfect pictures even though my life was like so far from being perfect. It was an escape, I think. Somewhere along the way I realized that it didn't work. Things would never be how they could seem, or how I wanted them to be, so I gave it up.

_You seemed to have a difficult time with Joey your junior year in high school. Why?_

I did? Yeah, I guess so (laughs). I don't know. That was a difficult year. Joey wanted to sell the house for nothing, his business was doing so badly. My dad left me that huge check in his will, and it made me feel like he was still trying to buy me, like he used to do. Like the time he broke my camera and gave me all that money for a new one…like the time he hit me so hard I couldn't see out of one eye for a week, he gave me a ton of money for a stereo to make up for it. He was always giving me shit like that to make up for being an asshole, and that money on my 16th birthday reminded me of that. Then Joey goes and lists off all the money I cost him…I didn't know his business was doing so bad when he told me that, I thought I was…it just made me feel like I didn't belong there, really.

_Did you witness the shooting at your high school?_

No. I heard the gunshots and when I came around the corner I saw Jimmy laying there. I thought he was dead.

_What was going through your head when you asked Ashley to marry you?_

What was going through my head? Uh, that I loved her and I wanted to spend the rest of my life with her. I didn't care that we were in school and 16 years old. I…I just wanted to marry her.

_If you could tell Ashley one thing right now what would it be?_

I'd tell her that I'm sorry it didn't work out.

_What about Ellie?_

What about her?

_How do you feel about her?_

I used to feel like she was a pretty good friend. We were in group together and she seemed to understand…certain things.

_Ellie felt romantically toward you but you never really returned that sentiment. Why?_

I don't know. Probably because she knew too much bad shit about me. She knew all the bipolar screwed upness, she knew how low my self esteem was, she saw me when I was so low. It just didn't make me feel like we could hook up. She was a friend.

_So you want to hide things from girls you are romantically involved with?_

No, not necessarily. But Ellie, she knew so much shit that was just bad. I don't know what she saw in me, you know? It was pity, or the Florence Nightingale patient thing.

_Maybe she accepted you for who you were._

Maybe.

_Maybe you weren't ready to accept yourself. Manny had a very idealized view of you, so you found it easier to be with her._

Shit. (laughs). Yeah, maybe that's true.


	3. Chapter 3

_When was the first time you ran away?_

That time, when I locked my bedroom door and left.

_How many times have you run away and what happened?_

(Sigh) What happened each time?

_Yes._

Well, I guess it was three times. The first time was when I lived with my dad. I, uh, I went to the train tracks with Sean and then the train was coming and I just stood there on the tracks. Sean pulled me off. And I went to the cemetery to say goodbye to my mom. And Joey and Sean showed up there and I left with them, I went and stayed with Joey. The next time was grade 11, and Joey was telling me how much money I kept costing him so I figured I'd take off, you know? So I went to Sean's apartment, he had this apartment he lived in by himself, or maybe Ellie lived there then, too. Then the last time was after Ashley left for England and I was staying at Degrassi, and I was off my meds. I mean, everyone thought I was crazy so what good was the medication? What did it matter? They all thought I was crazy anyway. But Spin called Joey even though he said he wouldn't tell anybody and Joey came down to the school and I tried to explain it to him, about Ashley and writing the song and all that but he just kept looking at me in that sad way. I hate that look from people, they looked like that after my dad died. Poor Craig. Anyway, so Joey brings me back home and then him and Caitlin get into this huge fight about me. Caitlin wanted me to go to England with Ashley, she thought it was a good idea but Joey didn't. Joey really didn't, he said my mind was too fragile. So I took off.

_And what happened?_

I, uh, I was sort of having this manic episode. Writing that song for that movie and Ashley leaving and not taking the medicine and all. I just basically stayed on the streets with this guy I met, Skinny, and uh, that's it.

_That's it?_

Basically.

_Was your father bipolar?_

No.

_Was your mother?_

No, I don't think so.

_What kind of a father do you think you'll be?_

I don't know.

_Will you hit your kids?_

No.

_Your father hit you, so maybe when you're upset and your kids do something to aggravate you you might end up hitting them. Likewise, perhaps your father was hit or physically abused as a child and that is a factor in why he abused you._

Yeah, maybe. But I'd like to think I won't do it, because I know what it did to me.

_What was it like being only 14 and both your parents were dead?_

It sucked. It was just really hard.

_How did you feel leaving to go to Vancouver in 12th grade?_

I felt, uh, a lot of things. Nervous. Excited. Sad to be leaving my friends, leaving Angela and Joey. But it was a good sad. Like Ashley said at the prom when she was telling me she was going to England, she wanted to go and try some new things. I felt that way.

_Cocaine can cause heart attacks. If it is snorted it can erode the linings of the nasal passages. It is addictive. Didn't you consider these things before you tried it?_

Kind of, not really. It was just there and I wanted to try it.

_You lied to Ellie, telling her you loved her so she wouldn't tell Joey about the cocaine use. _

I didn't really lie. I did love her. I do love her.

_Not like that, how she meant it. You didn't love her like she loved you. You were manipulating her._

Yeah, I was. I was sorry I did that.

_You lied to both Ashley and Manny when you were dating both of them in 10th grade._

Yeah.

_You have a habit of lying to people, of manipulating people. You lied to your father about seeing, or not seeing, Angela and Joey. _

Yeah, I had to lie to him.

_Why? You couldn't be honest?_

No, I couldn't. He told me not to see them, and so I couldn't tell him I disobeyed.

_What is so difficult for you about honesty?_

That's not really fair. I couldn't be honest with my dad or he'd beat the shit out of me. What was I supposed to do? And with Manny and Ashley I was lying but I was trying to figure out what I wanted, trying not to hurt anyone. The truth was too painful. And Ellie, I wanted that coke. She kept trying to get in the way of it and I needed it for some extra confidence.

_What do you fear the most?_

I don't know. It's hard to say.

_If you could change one thing about yourself what would it be?_

Um, I don't know. My curly hair. (laughs).

_You don't like it curly?_

Nah, not really. It's annoying. It's okay, I guess. I don't really care, actually.

_What person do you admire the most?_

Joey.

_Why?_

Cause Joey has really done so much for me, way more than he had to. He could have stuck me in foster care or something. But he didn't. He was always thinking of me and Angela, putting us first. And I know I was hard to live with, I know. I was a mess when I first moved in with him. I was a mess when my dad died, and the bipolar thing…man. Joey put up with a lot but he never made me feel like, like it bothered him or like I wasn't worth it. He was so opposite of my dad. So yeah, I really admire him for that.


	4. Chapter 4

_It's been awhile. The CD dropped since we last spoke. How did that feel?_

Great, kinda. Sort of scary.

_Why? What's scary about it?_

Just having it all be…out there. All that personal stuff. It's like, what if people don't get it? It's just scary.

_Have you spoken to any of your old friends since rehab?_

Not exactly.

_Do you regret not finishing high school?_

No. Well, sometimes, a little.

_If you could go back and change something, what would you change?_

Like what? Anything, at any time?

_Yeah._

(Closes eyes) I guess my mother dying. That's what I would change.

_How do you deal with fans?_

Fans? That's not really an issue. It's not like I'm famous.

_Have you been taking your medication?_

Yeah.

_Why?_

Why? Because. Because I have to, to stay on an even thing. To stay okay.

_Are you working on songs for your next CD?_

I'm always working on songs.

_Did you know all along that it would be just you having a career in the music business and not Downtown Sasquatch?_

No.

_Does it surprise you?_

In a way, I guess. It's just what happened.

_Do you ever get stage fright?_

Yeah. Every time.

_When you were in high school your band was in a battle of the bands type contest that was held at Degrassi. What do you remember about being on stage then?_

Uh, I remember thinking that song was probably gonna suck because I had just wrote it like 10 minutes before our band went on, and we'd never rehearsed it with those lyrics, and I had to read them at first. Like, read them while I was singing them. But it wasn't really about the band thing at that point…it was about Ashley.

_What about Ashley?_

Well, we'd broken up then, I mean, she broke up with me. And I knew she was pissed at me, I mean, I knew. It was obvious. But I didn't really get it. I didn't get how much I had hurt her. Betrayed her. But then I did…I just understood the whole thing in this, like, flash. Then I wrote that song and it came out actually pretty good.

_So is Ashley your muse?_

(laughs) Yeah, I guess so. I mean, she was.

_Did you choose that picture for the cover of your CD?_

No.

_Who did?_

The record label, or, I don't know. It just wasn't me.

_What would you have chosen?_

That's tough. It's hard to decide. But I probably wouldn't have picked a picture of me, and one from grade 11.

_Are you ever tempted to do cocaine again?_

Sometimes, I guess.

_Would you do it again?_

Probably not, because I don't handle it very well. Some people can just do it once in awhile, no big thing. But I didn't, actually, do it like that. I had a problem.

_Do you have a girlfriend?_

No.

_Why not?_

Why? (shrugs) I don't know. I'm not in a place to have one. I travel all the time, I work on my songs and music all the time, I'm avoiding parties and drugs…I don't know. I'm still a little screwed up to have a relationship work out that well.

_Do you think Albert would have approved of your career choice?_

(laughs) No, he wouldn't have.

_Why not?_

Because it's not important, he'd think it wasn't, not like what he did. He saved lives, he made such a huge difference in people's lives…and he made a lot of money. And he didn't care all that much what made me happy.

_How does Joey feel about it?_

Oh, Joey gets it. Joey's cool. He just wants me to be okay, like not manic and not addicted to drugs okay. Everything else is fine with him, although he did want me to go to college instead. But that wasn't for me.


End file.
